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Navigating the uncertain waters of a troubled marriage can be daunting. For couples teetering on the edge of decision-making, the thought of whether to stay or go can create more disconnection and discord within the relationship. Discernment counseling offers a structured approach for each partner to better understand their relationship dynamics. It can also help them make more informed choices and relieve the ambivalence that often accompanies separation or divorce. In fact, a University of Minnesota study conducted by the Couples on the Brink Project found that approximately 30% of partners who were divorcing wondered whether a program for reconciliation could have helped them save their marriages or at least make the process of divorce less adversarial.

 This blog post explores what discernment counseling is, how it differs from traditional couples therapy, and why it might be the crucial step couples need before making a life-altering decision.

What is Discernment Counseling?  First, Discernment counseling is NOT COUPLES THERAPY.  Discernment counseling is a short-term, focused approach designed specifically for couples who are uncertain about whether to pursue staying together or divorcing. Unlike traditional therapy that aims to solve marital issues, Discernment Counseling helps partners decide together what the best path forward is. This is done by understanding each one’s own needs and the dynamics of their relationship.

The primary goal of discernment counseling is to gain clarity and confidence in decision-making. The process also helps each partner experience a sense of emotional safety since it is facilitated by a therapist who has developed a framework for how to proceed in the future. This is achieved through a structured process:

1. Initial Session: Both partners meet the counselor to outline their feelings and apprehensions, setting the stage for what’s to come.
2. Individual Reflection: Each partner has time alone with the counselor to discuss personal views and explore deep-seated emotions and desires.
3. Joint Discussions: Couples reconvene to share insights and decide how to move forward.

The process is intentionally brief, and intentionally intense, usually consisting of 1 to 5 sessions. It is acknowledged at the start that the goal is not to fix the marriage but to explore whether there is potential and willingness to do so. The outcome of the sessions is one of three paths … (1) The couple will continue to do what they are doing; thus, no change will be created.  (2) The couple will decide to separate or divorce. (3) The couple will commit to working on the marriage for 6 months where divorce is taken off the table.

The advantages of Discernment Counseling are felt by both partners as well as the overall family dynamic. This approach honors the viewpoints of both individuals in the relationship—the partner contemplating divorce (‘leaning out’) and the partner striving to preserve the marriage (‘leaning in’). This method ensures that each partner feels acknowledged and understood. By fostering a deeper comprehension of how each partner arrived at their current situation and how they can heal and progress, couples who do make the decision to divorce often experience a less acrimonious divorce process. Reports indicate that this counseling method promotes greater stability at home both during and after the transition. Furthermore, qualitative research from the Couples on the Brink project has shown that individuals who underwent Discernment Counseling were able to co-parent effectively, which is significantly beneficial for the children involved.

Benefits of Discernment Counseling

• Clarity and Confidence: Couples often come away with a clear understanding of what has happened to their relationship and what each partner can do moving forward.
• Emotional Safety: The structured environment allows both partners to voice their feelings and concerns safely and constructively.
• Future Framework: Even if couples choose to separate, the counseling can set a foundation for amicable interactions, especially important if children are involved.

Real-Life Impact To illustrate the impact, consider the story of Anna and Mark (names changed for privacy). The couple was struggling with Mark’s infidelity and Anna’s withdrawing from the marriage, wondering whether she could ever love or trust him again. Discernment counseling helped them understand their underlying emotions and the behaviors they exhibited that created more disconnection. They chose Path 2 and committed to take the prospect of divorce off the table and engage in couple’s therapy. During this process, they were able rebuild a stronger, more secure and transparent relationship.

Discernment counseling isn’t a fix-all solution, but it provides a critical pause for reflection and decision. For couples unsure about the future of their marriage, it offers a dignified way to explore their options and choose a path forward that aligns with their long-term happiness.

If you and your partner are stuck at a crossroads, consider Discernment Counseling as a way to gain clarity and direction. It’s a step that respects both partners’ feelings and provides a clear framework for the next stages of your relationship, whatever they may be.

For more information, please call our offices so that we may answer any questions you have to determine whether Discernment Counseling may be helpful for you.