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Disagreement is not a bad thing. It can be very healthy when partners are able to voice different perspectives, respect each other’s viewpoints; and agree to disagree. But when there is little or no tolerance for acceptance of each other’s reality, disagreeing can be devasting to a relationship.

Here are some things to consider that can help to de-escalate disagreements and set you on a path towards understanding.

Your Partner Is Not the Enemy … Understand and Embrace Each Other’s Uniqueness.

We are all unique beings, shaped by experience. When couples first meet, one part of them may be intrigued by their differences, but the other part feels a strong desire to be on the same side. As the relationship grows, so does familiarity; and partners are more likely to take risks in sharing opposing views.  At the same time, when the anticipated response is not received, defenses take over; and discourse can become oppositional. Then, each partner digs in demanding to be heard and vowing to be the last man standing. More than likely seeing your partner as the enemy is not going to get you what you want. Disagreement doesn’t translate into right or wrong or win or lose.

Every couple’s relationship requires acceptance that conversations can yield two very different perspectives; and that both can be valid and deserve equal acknowledgement. The good news is that you are both independent thinkers with minds of your own! And that’s a good thing. Embrace it!

Emotions Override Logic and Rationale … Healthy Conversation Requires Clarity and Calmness.

For some, disagreements lead to feelings of rejection and the tendency to feel emotionally disconnected. This can be very powerful and lead to feeling emotionally flooded. The fight or flight response kicks in and partners either shut down or push back. Either way is a lose, lose proposition.

Respectful disagreement requires awareness of what you’re feeling in the moment. Even though you may feel out of control, you have the ability to calm your mind and body by taking deep, cleansing breaths, and relaxing tension, muscle by muscle. Deep breathing and muscle relaxation deactivate the fight or flight response and activate the relaxation response. It’s more difficult to engage in conflict when your relaxed. Managing emotions becomes easier. You’re able to express yourself with more calmness and clarity.

Use Humor to Diffuse Disagreements

Noted marriage and couple’s researcher, John Gottman, suggests that approximately 70% of problems couples experience are inherently unsolvable. Yet, failed attempts to resolve them create a destructive cycle that results in contempt and negative sentiment.

Humor used as a means of derailing contempt can be a constructive way to diffuse a disagreement.  Gottman posits that humor is a powerful technique for repairing negative sentiment and contempt. It lowers tension and shifts defensiveness or “othering” to connectedness.  Humor lets us know we are human and that we don’t always have to take ourselves so seriously.

Do you think in black and white, or shades of color?

Look around you, the world is not black and white – there’s amazing color everywhere!

How you think has a significant influence on your ability to accept varying viewpoints. For example, black and white thinkers tend to see things as either right or wrong, or good or bad. There’s very little room for anything in between. While this type of rigid and rigorous thinking can be very effective in some instances (e.g. scientific inquiry, numerical analysis, engineering), it makes it difficult to consider other perspectives in a relationship.

For those who think in terms of black and white, considering other perspectives can feel emotionally risky. But it’s a necessary component of a healthy marriage or relationship.

Curiosity can go a long way in helping reduce the need for absolutes. Asking questions like, “help me understand this;” or “why is this so important to you can help.” Curiosity suggests that you’re attempting to see your partner’s perspective, even though it’s difficult.

Disagreement Doesn’t Mean Emotional Disconnection

The ability to differentiate between what we think and what others think, without reactivity, is a sign of emotional intelligence. Yet, expressing thoughts and feelings, especially when they are divergent, can feel really vulnerable.

In order to accept differing perspectives, individuals must feel secure and confident within themselves. And they must trust that they will still be loved and valued, even if they disagree.

If you fear the loss of love and connection, then you may require intervention by a professional psychotherapist, preferably one who specializes in attachment theory and counseling couples. It’s important to understand how these old emotional injuries influence present relationships. A couple’s therapist can help create a safe and secure setting in which you and your partner can explore underlying issues that relate to emotional injury and the fear of emotional abandonment and disconnection.

Dr. Laura Richter is a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families. Her specialties include healing after divorce, coparenting, rebuilding trust, and improving communication. She also specializes in managing anxiety and depression through mindfulness and meditation. She is a trained mediator, qualified parenting coordinator and collaborative law mental health professional. For more information, please call or text 561-406-8564 to schedule a consultation to see how we can help.