What Do Women Really Want?

A Book Review: The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the "Love Lab" by John Gottman

Posted On: Monday, May 30, 2016

Women ... They are a complete mystery!
- Stephen Hawking

Men will often say the key to a man's heart is through sexual desire. And I would agree with this. To a great extent men measure a woman's love by her level of sexual desire for him. In his latest book, The Man's Guide to Woman, John Gottman, world-renowned relationship expert, will tell you that this book is not about how to get your lady into bed! But he will pretty much guarantee, based on the research, that if you learn these scientifically proven secrets to a women's heart, you will be happier, more secure; and you will experience more emotional and sexual gratification.

Gentlemen, you can fight it all you like -- but the way to a woman's heart -- and more importantly, to personal and sexual satisfaction -- is not through the bedroom door. Women are unique but not all that complicated. Finding the key that unlocks the door to the mystery of your lady's sexual desire may seem scary and hopeless at times; but it's all within your power to find it. What you do and say matters.

Believe it or not, women are not looking for the hot guy with perfect abs or the guy with the largest bank account ... What makes a woman's heart soar is knowing that you are present and attuned, that you're dependable, and that no matter what --when she reaches for you, you will be there. Nothing is a bigger turn off for a woman than feeling invisible, not valued and misunderstood. It makes her feel the opposite of sexy. It makes her feel undesirable and unwanted.

For many women, sexual desire is directly correlated with feeling safe and valued. Gottman describes this as trustworthiness. In order to feel sexy ... a woman needs to feel safe. Feeling safe comes in knowing that when she gives her heart to you, it will be valued and cherished -- that when she speaks, you are responsive and that when she turns toward you or reaches for you, you're there and you understand -- even when you don't. Trustworthiness means being emotionally present.

She wants you to know her from the inside to the outside -- what she thinks and how she feels. She wants to know that even though you may not agree, you understand. She feels safe when you show up, are present, and do the little things that show her she matters -- that her feelings matter.

The key to a woman's sexual desire is emotional connection. The good news for you is that you don't have to fix anything. All you need to do is be present. The more good news is that when your lady becomes emotional (either in a good way or a bad), this is an opportunity -- an opportunity for intimacy. How you respond to her emotions will determine whether you have hot sex that night or whether you will be relegated to sleeping in the guest room.

Look, as women we know you want more playfulness and less seriousness. And sex is a great way to achieve this. And yes, it's true; men have deep feelings just like women do. But, let's admit it, most of you are much better at hiding them. Nothing can send you running for the hills faster than being on the receiving end of anger or seeing that the tear floodgates are about to open; and that you'll soon be drowning in them. You're at a complete loss as to what to do. So you do what you know. You either retreat or turn up the heat on an already inflamed situation.

Let's be honest, you want to wake up each morning or walk through that door at the end of your day and see the love of you life be excited and happy to be with you. You want to feel loved and appreciated and valued; and yes, you want her to want you sexually. You want to see that same lust and desire that she felt for you when you first met. And even though some of you may not admit it, you would like to be able to reach out to her and feel safe in sharing your deepest feelings. Nothing turns a woman on more than giving and receiving emotional intimacy.

The question is what are you willing to give to receive this? Whether you are dating, committed, or married, Gottman's book offers great insight into the woman's psyche and provides excellent guidance. If your goal is to not just live with a woman but to love one for the rest of your life, reading this book is a must.

Dr. Laura Richter is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families. Her specialties include: surviving infidelity, improving communication, beginning again after divorce and effective co-parenting after divorce. She is also a trained mediator, qualified parenting coordinator and collaborative law mental health professional. For more information, please call or text us today at 561-715-6404 to schedule a consultation to see how we can help.